Addiction is a Family Disease

For me, the following was one of the most heartbreaking letters I have ever received. As a mother, my heart bleeds for this woman and her daughter. This column was published a few weeks ago.

Dear Lula Belle,
My youngest daughter is in her early twenties and has been on and off drugs for about six years. I have sent her to two rehabs. Things always seem better at first but then she ends up back on drugs and in bad relationships. A few months ago, it seemed she was growing up and becoming responsible. My husband and I decided to let her move back in with us but everything started falling apart on Christmas Eve.

She tried to take her life by overdosing on pills. We called 911 and she was taken to the hospital. On the way there, I found a crack pipe in her purse. I have already lost one child. He passed away from a medical condition in 1999. He was seven years old. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t miss him. Facing losing another child is just too much for me.

My daughter went back into treatment, this time intensive outpatient treatment. She went to meetings the first three days just fine but refused to go the fourth day. We discovered she had been stealing money. She threw a major temper tantrum. My husband did some tough love and told my daughter she must move out.

She called me the next day and asked me to drive her to treatment thinking if she went, we would let her move back home. However, my husband said no. My daughter has decided to quit treatment all together and says we are ruining her life. She said that she has no friends and no place to stay. She said I would be burying another child in the near future.

This is putting a lot of stress on my marriage. My husband is afraid I will blame him if something bad happens. We both love my daughter and would love to open our home to her but we’ve done that before and it didn’t work.

My heart is broken. I can’t sleep. I pray she finds her way. We cannot continue to be enablers, but it hurts so badly. Are we doing the right thing? If she takes her life or overdoses, I don’t know if I can forgive myself for kicking her out. --Heartbroken

Dear Heartbroken,
Addiction is a disease and it is very resistant to treatment. Most folks do not get clean and sober their first try. I take my hat off to all recovering addicts who stay clean one day at a time by: constantly working a twelve step program, going to meetings regularly, staying in touch with their sponsor every day, and working a spiritual program in their hearts every moment. It takes complete vigilance. The compulsion to use drugs in an addict never shuts off. This is why there is no cure, only treatment which takes tremendous effort and work.

“Enabling” an addict means family members or friends make using drugs “easy” for the addict by helping the addict in some way. Sometimes we enable addicts by letting them stay in our house or by giving them money. Addicts are manipulative and they will use threats or tug on our emotions to get their way. The compulsion to use drugs is stronger than we can imagine and they will do anything to get what they “need” to feed their addiction. Just as if we were thirsty and were about to die of dehydration, we would do anything for some water. We might beg, steal, lie, or threaten violence to get water. Sometimes the addict’s threats (suicide) are so terrible and frightening that it seems necessary to give in.

Most addicts have to “hit the bottom” before they are desperate enough to seek help and get serious about working a program. They sometimes have to face the fact they will die if they don’t change. It is rare for the addict to be desperate for help while living on easy street.

The sad thing is that sometimes rock bottom is at the bottom of a grave. Addiction is a fatal disease and without help, it will eventually kill your daughter. Not being able to save her is breaking your heart and I know if there was a way you could rescue her, you would. But she must save herself with the help of a higher power and support from other recovering addicts. It is the only way. No amount of your concern and love will save her. This is going to sound harsh, but if your daughter is going to take her life or throw it down the toilet, she will do it whether she is living at home or on the street. She is an adult.

What your daughter is going through is not your fault and you cannot change it. But you can change yourself. Addiction is a family disease. You and your family must take care of yourselves or you will fall apart. I am sure the treatment center has a program for family members. Get help now. Go to Al-anon meetings regularly.

I grew up in a family affected by addiction and know the disease first hand. I often believe my father wouldn’t have been half the man he was had he not suffered from addiction. It allowed him the opportunity to experience recovery and have a spiritual awakening which blessed the lives of all who knew him in precious ways too enormous to write on this page. There is hope.

If you are broken hearted like this mother, please visit http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ or call 1-888-4AL-ANON for more information.

Need Advice? Ask Lula Belle by sending your questions to: asklulabelle@windstream.net

***Because I had such sympathy for the mother, I was shocked beyond belief when the very day the newspaper column came out, I received the following letter in my in box. It was published the next week. ***

Dear Lula Belle,
Your article about the drug addict was all wrong. The young lady shouldn’t have done drugs in the first place. Families like hers is the reason our society is falling apart. If she takes her life she will go to hell. Her mother obviously wasn’t a good mother. And if I were you, I wouldn’t have told the world your dad was a drug addict. What does that say about you? –Concerned Citizen

Dear Concerned,
I will tell you what it says about me. It says I am not ashamed of who I am or where I came from. It says I admire people who can turn their stumbling blocks into stepping stones. It says there is hope for all of us who face challenges.

I stand behind what I said in the “Addiction is a Family Disease” column. Unfortunately, so many people have such little understanding of the disease and therefore pass harsh judgments on those who struggle with addiction. I cannot help those who are close minded but I will say, those without an open mind should keep their mouth shut.